Endings are Just Beginings.

Education is the most powerful weapon which you can use to change the world.

Nelson Mandela

Well. Here I am.

Hundreds of papers written.
Thousands of quizzes taken

Millions of moments Captured
Seconds in which my soul, raptured.

Several hard times,
Many long lines.

Sparkles of smiles and laughter
Saturating many a chapter.

Miles of road explored,
felt with a deep heart cord.

College is over.

College is Done.

This race has all but been won.

I have lived.
I have loved.
I have lost.
I have found.

I have stumbled and crashed and burned.
I have also rose again and fought with all I had.

I have been kissed.
And kissed in return.

I have been lost deep in the woods literally and figuratively and yet found my way again.

I have cussed
and I have cried,
At times I even wanted to die.

In the end, I have survived.

I have processed and I have grown.
Expounding daily on what I had ever known.

Even though this college experience has come to an end,
I am excited for whatever lies around the bend.

For whether it be friend or foe
We can make it, this I know.

I will safely in Him confide
I will trust Him to be my guide



Its been good. I have experience a lot in my 4 years of undergrad. Technically yes I still have spanish to finish up this summer but for my soul's sake this is the end. Spanish is a mere Ps. to my college experience.
Its over, I AM DONE! 
Atlas I do not know exactly what that means for me....
For now its means me skipping across parking lots, sending smiley filled texts and peacefully enjoying barnes and nobles for the first time in forever (No homework to do and no guilt about not actively doing said homework!)  - Reading the amazing book "Oh the places you'll go"  and dreaming of what may or might or hopefully will be...

And So - Where will I go? What will I do? These things I am not quite sure of. I have some plans - some hopes and dreams... but time will be the tester of each of these.
To my past I whisper  - Thank you
To my present I affirm - Lets do this
To my future I challenge - Bring it on.


However...
For now though dear reader I must say Adieu! I cannot afford to keep this blog up under this name... It isn't professional etc etc. and so housecleaning must commence. Perhaps Ill change it back to my original alias and write more- Or maybe I will make a whole new and more professional blog...  I am not quite sure. But For now this is Goodbye. So long - Farewell! To all of you who have read and encouraged me through the years it meant and still means more than you will ever know :) Thank you for enjoying this journey with me it has has been fantastic. :)

Wicked.

Earlier this week I was privileged enough to see the musical Wicked. 

While I enjoyed the lights, dances, singing and other theatrical effects there was one particular effect that stood out boldly. 

Silence. 

At several times throughout the play the entire stage would be silent and still. No notes. No witty wordage. Just Silence. 

This silence was scattered tastefully throughout the play to make varying levels of impact. And what an impact the quiet made. You could hear a pin drop at these short and sharp moments. Moments of decision. Moments of grieving. Moments of life. 

I am having a moment of life right now. For most of today I have made more effort to be silent than to say much of anything to anyone. I was blessed enough to have one solid companion for most of the day, something I am exceedingly grateful for, but otherwise I kept my phone and general social life pretty much under wraps and silent. I wrote one email (to a teacher to say I wasn't coming to class) posted one status, and otherwise consciously let go of the world and all of its noise. I have 3 unanswered texts and 1 phone call that I should respond to. But I really don't have much of a desire to...  maybe tomorrow. 

I did try talking to God a bit. A lot of it wasn't really talking…honestly it was a bit more yelling. Grieving. Blaming. But See He knows the power of Quiet. He remained silent. Now then, His silence was not in a judging or distant sort of way-to the contrary the quiet felt very present and close and comforting way. Despite my shoving and shouting, He gave no response excepting outstretched arms and open hands. I am still pretty hesitant to talk much with Him. Worried and or bothered by what He might say or do. I never have been one to volunteer for a reprimand, but I feel I am a bit deserving of one. Mmmm maybe sometime today I will finally submit –open up and let the silence end. 

See the thing about silence is that it must be -and always eventually is- broken. Silence for too long equates death. Nothing can remain in that silent state for long, or the purpose and meaning behind it is lost. The show cant and neither can I. 

Life isn't always good or right

But that’s exactly what is Life.

For Life –the good and not,

Whatever may be my lot,

I am thankful. 

I believe

So in class we had an assignment - write out ten things you believe - any topic - GO!
My list went something like this:

I believe,
In sunshine after pain,and  rainbows during rain.

I believe,
Kids need to be raised with less "stuff" and more time.

I believe,
there is a balance of fun and work - find it.

I believe,
In love.

I believe,
That I Am watched and Cared for by My heavenly Father - no matter how much I fall and stumble.

I believe,
If people took time to listen and read more - and talk and judge less - the world would be better.

I believe,
In the power of laughter.

I believe,
In compassion - for everyone.

I believe
In the possibility that this world can be a better place, just as each individual can be. It just takes time and determination.

I believe,
In happy endings - that are really just happy beginnings in disguise.

Voice

the (strong, soft ) sound of his voice makes my spirit soar. 

That deep rough pitch- gently laced with a smile  

Can simply make my heart run for miles 

At las! Woe be mine -

For for this here sickness there be but one cure. 

.

.

.

Happy that's what I am. Just simply  happy. 

He loves me.

Ah! What should I wear? 

If I wear this I could come across this way or if I wear that it could be interpreted that way... 

I love you 

Or that, no no not that too up tight

What about this? No, too fancy not, nah. 

Ok between these two then. 

This one is good, bright and happy

This one is unique, classy. 

But I don't know

Ok going with the happy one...

I love you 

Which purse? 

Blue or black ..

Which shoes? 

Heels or flats...

I love you 

Ahhh! How shall I do my hair??

What if this happy dress is too happy. I think I look really good in it. I don't want to look too good. I don't like the attention good or bad, makes me uncomfortable. Why am I uncomfortable? Why am I so inclined to hide. What's wrong with me ?? ...

I LOVE YOU 

 Why? Why would You, God of the universe love me? I am a broken mess, spastic and shattered, why do You care? 

I love you because you are mine. Not for what you do, or wear, or why you do or wear anything, but simply because you are mine. My child. My love, and I treasure you. And I always, always will. 

... And That folks  is what life is all about... He loves me. 

Amazing, amazing love how can it be? That He, my king, died for me? ...

I am in awe. 

Fall

Fall is about leaves.

Fall is about trees.

Fall is about pumpkin pie.

Fall is about clear blue skies.

Fall is about crisp cool mornings.

Fall is about bright red adorning.

Fall is about sharing.

Fall is about caring.

Fall is about giving.

Fall is about really living.

And that’s what fall is about.

Proverbs 31 wife life.

10 

A wife of noble character who  can find?

    She is worth far more than rubies.
11 Her husband has full confidence in her
    and lacks nothing of value.
12 She brings him good, not harm,
    all the days of her life.
13 She selects wool and flax
    and works with eager hands.
14 She is like the merchant ships,
    bringing her food from afar.
15 She gets up while it is still night;
    she provides food for her family
    and portions for her female servants.
16 She considers a field and buys it;
    out of her earnings she plants a vineyard.
17 She sets about her work vigorously;
    her arms are strong for her tasks.
18 She sees that her trading is profitable,
    and her lamp does not go out at night.
19 In her hand she holds the distaff
    and grasps the spindle with her fingers.
20 She opens her arms to the poor
    and extends her hands to the needy.
21 When it snows, she has no fear for her household;
    for all of them are clothed in scarlet.
22 She makes coverings for her bed;
    she is clothed in fine linen and purple.
23 Her husband is respected at the city gate,
    where he takes his seat among the elders of the land.
24 She makes linen garments and sells them,
    and supplies the merchants with sashes.
25 She is clothed with strength and dignity;
    she can laugh at the days to come.
26 She speaks with wisdom,
    and faithful instruction is on her tongue.
27 She watches over the affairs of her household
    and does not eat the bread of idleness.
28 Her children arise and call her blessed;
    her husband also, and he praises her:
29 “Many women do noble things,
    but you surpass them all.”
30 Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting;
    but a woman who fears theLord is to be praised.
31 Honor her for all that her hands have done,
    and let her works bring her praise at the city gate.

This is who I want to become. Not specifically some seller of garmets / owner of salves / farmer ish comodoty a - rather the principles there-in. Loyalty, steadfastness - loving - caring - strong- self sufficient - uplifting of others and a reflector of Gods love. Thus whether I am alone or happen find / be found by a suitable partner I will be strong. Also I want kids someday. Ugh parts of me wonders if all those crazy teenage hormones are just coming later for me cause I dont think I have felt this passionate about this topic ever. Also might just be that I'm graduating from college etc... Who knows. :/ Idk. But I'm praying that God gives me both wisdom and strength

Energy love

See love is like energy - it can be transferred and conducted but never really lost. The key is to develop a system in which this power can be conducted and increased (like a positive frictional charge) back and forth - insulated through laughter, smiles, compassion, communication and care.  Basics for having such a system is to have two ports - two parts that are invested and interested. now then that being said God is the only one who can just generate and generate and generate love because that is Who He is - But even the Maker of the universe won't make anyone join in that relation with Him. But he also never stops perusing. Amazing love. 

I miss you

I know you’ll never read this - and probably dont care

But when im in my worst moments I think of you, i dare…

And when im at the top of the world and finally at my best.  

I find my soul uncertain cause without you - the view seems less..

I think of you a lot. It killed the last relation I tried to force to grow.

I dont know how to deal with this - this concept of letting you go. 

I miss you. You’ll never know it - but tis true.

Despite myself, I think that i still love you. 

Different types for Ice

I am a "scrape off the ice on my windshield" type of person kind of person.
Some are - lay a towel over windshield and raise wipers- in case of ice types
Others are- Start car super early to heat it up and melt off ice from the inside out
And still others are -Heck I'll just drive with the ice types.

While I am not really into defining what everyone else's reasoning's and ways of dealing with frost on a pane of glass are, I feel that my response gives insight to who I perceive myself to be at my core.

I don't really plan on some things in life happening. I don't look at the weather and prepare for frost. but on the other hand I don't just ignore the fact that frost happens and drive anyway. (most of the time lol)   I keep a small ice scraper in my car - even though I now live in the south, because I find it to be useful.
 I dont plan out my life - i think of possible circumstances that may present themselves and try to be semi prepared to deal with the results of such circumstances but I make it an aim not to obsess about it.
However, because I don't always plan ahead I do sometimes end up being a little late - or often rushed. This occurs in a variety of circumstances in my life. This sometimes can start a domino effect of which I am not the proudest of. due to my lack of fore thought I have the potential to un-intentionally hurt and or frustrate others around me.

Its just frost, just as its just life. It does go on and the only thing that I or anyone else can realllyyy control is how we respond to it. To prepare, to deal, or to ignore.
I choose to deal, to carry on.

*Side note : I am on some crazy pain killers due to a medical situation So if this makes little to no sense- please dont judge too harshly. I hate Kidney stones - that is all. *

hardly a freshman in the game of life and yet a Senior completing college.

Here I sit. almost 4 am. I am so exhausted my eyes feel like they are going to fall out.
But they aren't.
I am working on a senior project - developing my own non profit organization. Almost 4 years of schooling has led me up to this moment. I am a senior, but just for tonight a part of me feels like a freshman.

I sit here with hope
and with anxiety.

I am worried about how my teacher is going to like my project.
And then I am not because I know it is good.

I am thinking about my future - its so real I can almost taste it,
and I am realizing that this is my future - late nights.

I am almost giddy with excitement for my "baby"
and fearful because I realize that there is much for me to learn.

A Review of what was learned and looking forward to what might be :)

In 2013 I learned:

1. Loving and accepting love is two different things, yet both essential.
2. Loss is a part of life, love anyways.
3. There is always someone else who can make you smile.
4. Music is a key way to change ones mood.
5. Being disabled permanently would be hard, but doable - especially with the right people.
6. Challenging oneself pays off - I was terrified of my new job at first, but now I am having a hard time imagining myself leaving (though its gonna have to happen...)
7. No sleep + no food = No bueno.
8.No sleep in general = No beuno.
9. I deserve affection / to be cherished (specifically in a romantic relationship) because I am precious, adorable and uniquely myself. I will not let myself be trampled or treated as a6.  mere option.
10. I have a Father who knows the deepest parts of my Soul yet loves me perfectly.
11. Taking a day to just relax can free and reset the mind like very few other things can.
12. Fandom, tumbler and blogging can take of a lot of non existent "free" time.
13. Journaling (or blogging) can really help define the mess of emotions inside.
14. I can't run forever. Its time to put some demons in their place, face the music and dance.
15. Identified a lot of bad habits in how I communicate (or don't...) and other personal growth areas


In 2014 I hope to learn.
1. How to trust more - and trust wiser.
2. Learn /  gain a deeper understanding of Gods love for me - and then reflect it more perfectly.
3. Fight the Paper giants and figure out the next stem in my personal version of Pilgrims Progress.
4. Communicate more effectively but also with purpose.
5. Carpe Diem! -To not miss out on moments because of over analyzing - Any moment could be the perfect one if it is cherished and claimed as such.
6. How to Let sunshine pierce my soul and continue opening myself up, unfolding into His beautiful flower.
7. To be just a little bit better today than the day before and more importantly to be okay and celebrate the little gains of growth.
8. Work on those previously mentioned bad habits - especially the ones that involve my pattern of inner talk/thought - for it is those repeated conversations and personal perspectives that shape my world and my interactions therein.
9. How to merge out of the fast tract of school to the faster track of LIFE.
10. How to take my theories and propositions of principle and turn them into practical actual life experiences.