Sailing

Two ships sailing across the sea.
I met you and you met me.

On we sailed swapping tales.
Admiring one another's sails.

Enjoying the sun
having  fun.

We learned to trust and love
A legacy one could be proud of.

But then the skies turned grey
And the sun shine went away.

The waves rose and crashed
The wind howled and lashed.

I struggled, fought and wept,
as wave after wave over me swept.

It was not your storm
my loss was not yours to mourn

For a bit you seemed to try
but was it all just a lie?

Eventually you changed your course
And added to the hurricanes force.

Through the waves I tried to follow,
but this was more than I could swallow.

I tried to understand and reason,
I willed this not to be treason.

But away you left without a glance.
Thunder crashed marking our last dance.

Through the wind and blinding pain
I mourned our friendship, slain.

However onward I must sail.
I must continue through this gale.

I will not go down
I will be found.

I will not succumb
another ship will come.

One who will enjoy the sun
We will also have fun

One who weathers the storm
no matter the massive form.

A man who wants to be there
no matter how the wind fares.

And if not,
if this not my lot.

I will yet sail.
I refuse to bail.

There is always my Friend
His hand is there to mend.

He will heal
and direct my keel.

So, adieu my friend,

it was worth it in the end. 

Re-Defining

Over
Done
Finished.

I am starting to chart my own course. Raise my own sails. Captain my own ship.

Redefining
daring to dream
Finding Silver lining

In a moment it came clear, I will be okay. I have loved. I have lost.
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One to grave.
One to self.
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But I will be okay. I have loved. I have lost.
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I will love again.

Cemetery thoughts

Today I spent my afternoon at a cemetery.
No I didn't know anyone lain there, I had never even been there before.
But something about its silent rock testaments to life lived and lost called to me.
As I wandered through this place of solitude I came upon a monument where names written in stone were lined on a wall, as opposed to the hundreds planted in the grass. As i walked up and down those aisles I came to one where all were blank. and then another. And another. Over a hundred blank stone tablets. hung and waiting. Waiting for one to die, to give them purpose. The living know that they shall die. It is an inescapable yet haunting fact.
As I causally strolled among the hundreds of white stones in the grass, and amidst the tall, more general and impersonal monuments I pondered. : All of these had died for a specific purpose, or at least all were said to have died for a specific purpose. War.
I wondered what each individual would think of that. As far as a general umbrella reason as to why they died I suppose they may not bicker or gripe. But if I were they, I think I would want a comma instead of a period. War, family, Love. etc. I would want my own individual  reasons to be mentioned. Individualism, such an american cultured concept.
Yet in the very end where is this flare of personal color, this individualism? We all die. It's the same ending for all.
Dying is as much of a natural part of life as blinking, it just happens. Its the living bit that makes us into who we are remembered for and defines our individual natures.
Honestly I don't know what I will be remembered for. As much as the next person I want to be remembered for something positive, writer perhaps? Or lover of the people of the world?
I don't know, but this I do know.  What I will be remembered for starts today. What I choose to do in my day today (not because it is special, rather just because it is, it exists) will determine what I am remembered for.

The Joke's on you.

Bet against me.
Set the odds high.
The Joke is on you,
In the end I will fly.

Mere paper giants
in grand display.
I'll fight against you.
Let Come what may.

No matter the fight,
No matter how far,
I won't give up.
Instead, I'll raise the bar.

Can't take me down,
Won't make me bend.
I have found strength
In the name of my Friend.

Bet against me.
Set the odds high.
The Joke is on you,
In the end I will fly.

To be strong

Your my brave strong girl - you can do this.

You have come so far, you're so strong.

Wow Katie, can I just tell you, you are handling this marvelously? You are so strong.

Etc etc etc

All my life I have been told I am strong. I am brave, I have come far, done and dealt with a lot. Maybe it's true. It's true my life has been unique. But honestly for most of it, it didn't feel hard. Child like resiliency. It was natural to keep fighting. But now that it's a choice. Now that I have to choose to get out of my room. Choose to keep my chin up, smile on and determination high. It's hard. It hurts. I am not strong enough to deal with all of this. I am buckling under this weight and I can breathe. I want to bolt. To run. To through away what I have worked so hard for.

I don't know If I can handle what happened yesterday enough to even face today or even dream about a tomorrow. I'm stretched so thin and I'm so destroyed. Just Rubble all around.

But there is beauty in the ashes. Hope in the morning. That's why I like sunrises so much. They are so beautiful. So much hope encapsulated in the fact that even when the world is falling apart, the sun still comes up. On the good days and the bad.

Yeah I'm not strong enough. I have screwed up big time, and I am feeling an overwhelming since of loss. But I am not alone. Granny was right when she advised to always keep Jesus near, as honestly He is the only one I can count on. --- "Not by might nor by power, But by MY spirit says the LORD of hosts..."

Yes I am in a lot of pain. But I'm going keep fighting till my last breath.

"When you are going through hell, keep going" --