Of scars, Scabs, and Pain...

Pain as a reason not an excuse.


In my life looking back i have noticed a puzzling trend -
 maybe you can relate- maybe not.
But what i see is so often where i use my pain and hurt as a child
as a reason to not help another who is hurting

It really is quite unnerving
to realize that while sometimes i choose,
to let that painful cuts ooze love and healing,
More often I use it as a scab of protection, a reason not to care.

"Life isn't fair"
I proudly proclaim as I focus my own aches
and try to ignore others legitimate pain
Sometimes sure, I might help but it's not pain free for me

It hurts to help, but the pain comes after your free.
After i lift you up to Him above
I watch you soar and fly in freedom
and yet to my past I am bound

Trapped in my warped world on the ground
I watch as others soar happy and free
But this is not how it has to be
In reality, its wrong and this thinking is con-strewed

Life is caught in the essence of how it is viewed
If i choose to see myself trapped on the ground
that is how it will be, but if rather i choose to see
myself take flight with each person I help lift

Then my work becomes a returning gift
I help others though there may be pain
Not because it is a sore duty or leads to my gain
Rather tis better to help, better to Heal

And to quit depending on how life feels
Just as a placebo fools the crowd
A single thought can change my cloud
and so I choose how my day goes

I  choose the thoughts that echo
through the caverns of my mind.
So I can help another person
And on the same turn, help me.

You made it so. Gave us the choice.
Choice of perspective
Because You Love Me,
You let me choose.

And so in Turn I ask
No i plea,
Help me choose to reach
Choose to help

Open my eyes,
Lead my heart.
Father! please,
Help me Never stop serving.

Burn down my walls
Rip off the scaring scabs
Freeing pent up love
and let the pain,

Bring You Glory. 

Advice

Be brave
Be strong
Never back down,
unless wrong.

If wrong
Be wise
Don't hide behind
screens of lies

Guard your
heart
It is tender,
and doesn't like darts

Remember
every word
had a price
and once heard,
Cannot be revoked.

Don't hurt.
Sounds simple,
but you will realize
it's easy to erase a dimple

Be kinder
than expected
for it is the unexpected,
that is truly respected.

Balance

The equilibrium of life
that is terribly off Que
It isn't fair and often filled with strife

Yet that's not how it began
Nor is it how anyone wants to be
so I'm spending time doing all I can

To find that balance
between standing out and fitting in
Between change and old habits

I'm struggling To find my place,
to where You want me in your plan,
safely nestled in Your grace.

You created this earth
and said it was good
yet now so different from birth

so please re-create me
help me surrender -You have promised
to do this and more for free

So Lord I'm on my knees
I cant find the balance
so i leave it to You, Please.

This is how I am/feel right now -Dunbar beat me to the perfect combination of words...

 We Wear the Mask

    WE wear the mask that grins and lies,
    It hides our cheeks and shades our eyes,—
    This debt we pay to human guile;
    With torn and bleeding hearts we smile,
    And mouth with myriad subtleties.

    Why should the world be over-wise,
    In counting all our tears and sighs?
    Nay, let them only see us, while
            We wear the mask.

    We smile, but, O great Christ, our cries
    To thee from tortured souls arise.
    We sing, but oh the clay is vile
    Beneath our feet, and long the mile;
    But let the world dream otherwise,
            We wear the mask!

Paul Laurence Dunbar

Please God ! vs Please God.

How do you chose to choose to  live your life?
in a roller coaster ride of ups and downs as far as relating to how much God "answers" any particular day?
or in a path that, while narrow,  leads to being focused on His joy?
Do you live to ask Please God ?
Or live to Please God?

Do we choose to have a Goal of Happiness ?
Or a Goal of Holiness?
If for happiness you search, you will avoid pain - which is unavoidable and you wont make you goal
If for holiness you search, you will avoid sin - Which while also unavoidable on your own- it is Not impossible with God.

God uses pain to shape us into a reflection of His perfectness.
But if we spend our lives trying to avoid that pain- then How can we every expect to be changed?
In Jeremiah God referenced us to clay, Clay has to go through a lot of pushing, pulling, and finally FIRE before it is ready to become a usable vessel.

Pain while Not great, is a tool that God uses.While I am not supporting the idea of - always be happy and bubbly other wise you are not a christian,  I do agree with the idea of being solidly grounded so whether i feel happy or sad I can stay stable in His love and His grace. Its about Choosing between : "Believing who He is" over "What I feel". 

Imagine a Ship, a big old wooden ship of old, like the ones you would imagine making the trans-Atlantic journey during the times of the American Revolution. Imagine with me, this Huge ship sailing through the sea. Wave after wave crashes on its sides, breaking, spraying, separating around the boat, creating a tail of a wake, following the ship on through its.  It is expertly guided by the master Captain, the One who Knows the seas, but also knows the final destination and the safe harbor there. Picture that ship continuing forward, through the waves of pain, doubt, charging through the storms, bracing against the wind, rain, and snow. Ever going forward. Now then Does this ship worry about what the horizon holds? Does it have any fear of the next wave ?

...Should we?

To.

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

11:16 AM

To shift away

To see no way

To build a wall

Trying  to prevent a fall

To reject a chance

To decline a dance

To fake a smile

Trying to escape awhile

To be a friend

To simply lend

To be set aside

Trying to hide

To hide the pain

To hide the shame

To hide the tears

Trying to erase the years

To the years

To the fears

To learn to trust

Trying to stop the rust

To the rust

To the dust

To the junk that stalls

Trying to replace the calls

To the calls

To the walls

To the One 

Trying to direct me to the Son.

To the Son

To He who Won

To the Heart

Trying to be set apart

To  be apart 

To avoid the darts

To have a Shield

Trying to learn to yield 

To yield 

To be unsealed

To crack open my heart

Trying to become some Abstract Art

To be His Art

To let Him Mold my Heart

To relax in His care

Trying to let Him be my prayer.

Seasons Flower.

Twirling, Spinning, constant spiral.
Turning Changing every mile.

Winter, Spring, Summer, Fall.
Constantly echoing the busy call.

Snow, Sun, Heat, and Rain.
Life's Goings in in an unbroken Chain.

Day after Day, Year after Year,
Month after Month, Reflecting in the mirror.

Changes coming, going, Gone.
Ever Cycle, Dusk till Dawn.

And Yet Above all this unrest.
IS a God who Knows whats best.

And through each day and Spinning Hour,
He slowly grows you, little Flower...

Rose.

Jesus Loves me this i know
though rivers of tears may flow

To know is good,
but to reach the place where I could:

simply  trust -
for this really is a must

fully believe-
a necessity before i leave

Truly act-
on His love, as a fact.

To act- to Live.
Not just survive, but rather to be active.

To rest perfect in His Grace
instead of running at some fast pace.

Running racing fleeting fast
chasing after things that pass.

No that's not the life i have to live
not the price i need to give.

For He gave All
when He came to catch our fall.

This life i live
is one that only He can give

This Journey though not complete
Will not end in Defeat.

He will keep me Safe and Close,
through His work, i will be a tender rose.

The labyrinth of my life.

I grew up with a Dr. Seuss perspective on life. "Oh the places you will go!" "Oh the things you will Think" were the rallying cries of my dreams. College - not a thing to be feared but rather a chance to study that which I loved.

However. Life has a funny way of being very different from what we expect. I'm Sitting here in the student center trying to decide: Major, School, Life work, - Life in General. And all of a sudden a large part of my wild heart longs just to ditch, and run free. (Whatever that means?!) To commit to a decision on the rest of my life BLA I cant do that!

 Education major? Physiology? Sociology? Social work? "what makes your happy?" Grrrr. lets say "NOT making big decisions"- yes that makes me happy... !

 Some say follow your dreams but when your dreams are as abstract as mine - aka they pretty much only involve a sense of accomplishment in some area but its not defined in any way...- its hard to follow!

The days are spinning too fast! whirling twirling Autumn, Winter, Spring and Summer. Repeat.
Decide what you are doing in a year, decide what to do in an hour. More questions than answers. More options than choices.

I watch others pass on through life, They know what they are good at, They know what their life work will be. They have a purpose, They have plans and dreams and some how They can keep it all together. And I cant, I Dont.

And so my life has kind of melted into a confusing warp of decisions and choices. While i want to run i Know that the only way to survive this is to keep going. I cant turn back now all I can do is keep looking to my Father and somehow find a way. For now - it is confusing. But One day- I have Hope- it will Not be.  <3

Sounds of Autumn

Squirrels scampering about in a little clump of trees. They are just about their business, getting ready for winter. Doing simple chores that God has shown them to do for the purpose of survival. They don't even realize the noise  or impact they are making in their little sphere of impact. The snapping of twigs the crunching of leaves, each movement sending out little vibrations that proclaim their presence. They don't stop to listen or to care. The fuzzy mammals just keep at their goal of simple survival. Simply living. 

It is in their particular habitat that they thrive. It is in that setting in the woods where their survival is possible and the most noisy. It is where God puts me that i have the most influence and it is in that place that i can make the most noise for Him. If I don't see the sound vibrations or when all I can feel simply a struggle to survive, I can yet rely on the fact that He is the ultimate composure of both my life song and the worlds symphony. He is the master of all the noise, the one who sets the habitat, the one who changes both the seasons and lives. He knows where I will make the most impact/noise, He knows what I need to survive and He will provide for me. 

 I may not (I Do NOT) understand all "static" that I hear and feel, yet I can trust that somehow, sometime, it will not be "static" but rather notes of the harmonic song of a life directed, purposed, by Him. 

Trees.

I am obsessed with climbing trees. As soon as my feet leave the steady ground and start their accent into the boughs of the unknown I feel invincible, and yet totally vulnerable.

I'm free, and flying. I can see the world and yet not be easily seen.

And yet then again I'm limited, restricted. Branches only reach out so far. 

When i climb trees i see the world from a new perspective. 

I can watch birds hop from branch to branch,
and squirrels squabble, beneath me.
By gaining a new view, i see interesting things.

So far in my tree climbing adventures i have spotted several things,
2 Geo cashing hiding spots, and knickknacks
A camera (howbeit waterlogged)
But then there was the amazing thought about God.

Hes up there, high above it all, He watches and looks
He searches for the knickknacks and broken things -
He searches for me.
And He cares enough to reach down and pick me up

That is if i let Him.
Like the branches restrict me.
His love restricts Him
He longs to change me.

Clean me, fix me.
Give me directions and a plan
And Love me.
Yet He Loves me enough to let me choose

Choose to stay, choose to leave.
I can be stubborn and refuse to bend.
Or (ideally) relax and let Him win.
He can see the whole picture

I cant fly, I cant see the whole picture
I cant fix myself, and I am broken.
But there is beauty in the pain
And an Artist who cares enough to create it.

Notes playing in my life

I love the feeling that resounds on the inner cords when the note of perfect peace is rung. Its echos sweetly singing in tune with the rhythm with my heart. The note is struck the moment, when the realization rings, that even though so many things are not right in this life, its not my job to worry, cause worrying wont get my anywhere. I can't change most of my circumstances, but I can choose my attitude towards the situations in my life. My Father has it all planned out and He is holding me in His hands, I am safe.

One liners

Change is a canvass, carefully choose your color and bush, for these first few strokes determine the back round of your new adventure - Eponine Hope

There is a strong difference between surviving and thriving... however when surviving is all you can do - its better than the other option.  Live: one day at a time. Take one step into the unknown. - Eponine Hope

Life is a battle field, some days you win, other days you lose. However, what matters most of all is not if you win or lose, rather at the end of the day do you have perseverance enough to say " I will fight again" ? Never Never Never give up. ~ Eponine Hope

Time is Ticking

Time is ticking,
slipping,
fleeing fast.

Time is fading
shading
'to memories past.

Time is coming
running
drawing near.

Time is moving
soothing
sparking fear.

Time is swaying
playing
sometimes creeps.

Time is here
near
kept by HE who keeps.

Peace above the storm

To have Peace above the storm,

Does not mean that there is no Storm.

The Storm is still raging,

tearing, pounding, and shaking the earth below

However when one has Peace Above the Storm,

one doesn't need worry about the havoc or the noise.

Just focus your eyes above, choose to fly, and then soar.

My Fight, My Race.

"Fight until its done"

How long must I fight?

How long shall I race?

"Race until the race is run"

Sweat drips, my lungs feel like fire,

And yet I see no end.

"No!" I look around

And realize I am in the mire

Sinking, stinking.

Not where I use to be,

Far from where I want to see.

Then I start thinking

Thinking of the years gone by.

Thinking of my hopes.

Thinking of my dreams.

Thinking of how I long to fly.

To fly away,

To soar above.

Far from the mud,

To fly out of the clay.

The clay there is the key.

For God formed the clay.

The base of the earth,

He used it to make me.

"I have a plan

I made you

I love you

And I hold you in My hand"

Me- I'm not trash.

He made me

I have hope

Slowly, I try to make a dash.

Sluggishly, one food is freed.

I won't stop fighting!

I won't stop racing!

I want to follow where He leads.

I fight.

I struggle.

I cry.

Yet I try with all my might.

He helps me out.

He never leaves me,

He heard my cries and,

He set my feet on  solid mount.

Now I'm on my way

Sometimes its cloudy,

But I know He is there,

No matter the weather, or the day.

Missing you

 Do you think of me?

I find myself thinking of you

They say forgiveness is the key,

And that love is the theme

Yet I wonder

Is life just a dream?

Love, a façade, a fake?

Is love real?

Is life just a drop in a lake?

Did you ever care?

Or was I always "friend"

I guess it would be fair

Fair for you to be

Fair for you to leave

If you never thought much of me

Something changed

The song so familiar to us

Was suddenly exchanged

Exchanged for a song

Of doubt and uncertainty

One that seemed to run too long

Slowly the dream began to fade

I tried to recall and correct

Gave the best effort ever made

But in the end

There was too many shattered pieces

And the road came to a bend

We parted our separate ways

I hope you find what your looking for

And that you treasure all of your days

I look back and I smile

I sigh

In the end I'm happy for these last few miles

So farewell my friend

God be with you

Till we meet again

a thought

Sky;s Eye. by Monzterundermybed* on Polyvore.com

Disapointments

Have you ever been really excited for something...
I mean REALLY excited?
something that you felt would just send you jumping...

Have you ever had a dream?
One that you think is a beautiful sunrise
but in actuality, its just a little beam

have you ever thought that God had plan
would be so amazing
but now you just holding on the little bit of hope you can

Disappointment, its apart of life i guess
and yet i Know He has a plan
even if I'm absolutely clue less

City views.

All the country all around
Sloping pastures.
Small towns
Nothing "big" to be found


Silently the view reforms
The pastures gone
The suburbs come
And a new horizon forms.

Tall shadows reach to the blue
The hazy air
Of smog and smoke
Thickens and distorts the view.

Our Pace hastens
Like water in a pipe,
Like a river,
Rushing to the lakes
Suddenly, Motion everywhere
Trains on tracks,
Cars on roads
Action everywhere

The sweet, and sharp smells
Fill my nose
Smog, bread, steam
As sounds ring out like little bells

Noise is all around
Various rhythms,
Pitches and tones
Each their own musical sound

As I look
As I smell,
I recall that Imagination
And a dream was all it took

I Tripped, I Leapt.

I Tripped, I Leapt.
I took a chance I made a dash
But was my ultimate Goal met?

I try to stop
But then I fall
Is this just a bad day, or my unlucky lot?

I’m flat on the ground
What’s the point?
Can any solution be found?

The ways of the heart I cannot understand
A Plane called emotions,
Is one I cannot land.

A beast I cannot tame
Is one called Self.
All of this quickly came.

O, My Father I do not know the way.
Help me to stay and stand.
Give me the strength and teach me to stand.

Help me to remember my beliefs,
As I start a new page,
And turn over a new leaf.

Be near me Father when I fall
And teach me to hear
Your still small voice when You call.

Thank you for your unconditional love,
Your plan for my life,
And Your spirit that is with me like a dove.

thoughts on life and love...

Couples ever where – everyone has someone yet somehow I am left out of this unending circle of “love”


When will it be my turn? When do I get a chance to try this game? I know you have told me to wait but you didn’t mention this length of time!

The age old proverb shoots at me from the darkness of questions, “good things come to those who wait”

How much longer do I have to wait though? And what happens if I wait too long? What if my standards are too high?

Then it hits me. It doesn’t matter. I may want to be in a relationship but they aren’t something you on the spur of the moment go shopping for. And since I’m the girl I’m supposed to stand aside and be the lady in waiting, I mean its not like im going to call up some guy and say hey lets do this thing. Nope.

So why do I worry why do I fret? I just don’t want to be forgotten! I don’t want to be left on the street corner forever, nor do I want to play the servant girl always, I want to be the princess, the one who is CHOSEN – handpicked, selected, won. I want someone to care!

Don’t forget about me! Don’t leave me alone forever… open my eyes and my heart to the right one. But for now, let me rejoice in Your presence let me sing to Your honor and let me be happy in You.