Have yourself a Merry little Christmas...

Its Christmas eve  and I am so incredibly happy. Peacefully sitting in a quiet room, reveling in the memories made today, excitingly looking forward to those that will be made tomorrow.
 Its the little things, the smiles, the laughter, gentle touches and sweet smells, Ah! I am pretty much running out of words :P how embarrassing! Not sure how to make a blushing, yet beaming, smiley face but that would pretty much be the perfect emoticon for me right now...

*ahem* On another note, As I re examined the best Christmas story ever told, I was struck by contrast of two particularly key players...

Just the thought of those angels - Bursting into song because they couldn't contain their joy. A part of me wants to be like them - bursting out with light and joy  and just being down right "sunny" I suppose...

And yet as I peruse in my mind I find that a part of me wants to simply be like Mary. Quietly keeping all these things in my heart, treasuring them up for the years to come. Simply reveling silently in the wonder of it all.

Two sides of a coin - two ways to fully enjoy the moments as they come. It doesn't really matter I'd suppose. Whether one bursts out singing or silently watches on, the key purpose being: Enjoy the moment.

As for me, tomorrow I simply plan on: Treasuring the little moments. Rejoicing in the greatest gift given, Love. And Reflecting on the cost of that perfect, wonderful,  Love, and the response you have to Loves greatest sacrifice.

Have yourself a Merry little Christmas - let your heart be light.... 

Rest for the weary?

"What's wrong with her?" 

A naive blonde whispers not so quietly to her companions as they pranced past me in their fancy stilettos, as I hobble to my way to vespers.

I automatically blush, and find the ground fascinatingly interesting to stare at, as I pull off the sidewalk to let them pass.Then I pursed my lips in irritation, yes, partially at this complete stranger for her less than tactful remark, but more potently at myself for letting her words bother me. 

To put it simply, its been a long week. Each day feeling like twice the length of its predecessor. I'd rather not be noticed in life, the role of a wall flower is one that I enjoy. But when ones arms are doing work that they legs were designed to do and every step is echoed with a tell tale metallic "click, clack" its kind of hard to escape the looks. Most are actually ones of pity or concern, those I at least attempted to smile in response too. Some just made a point not to look at me, I in general returned the favor. Well, Unless I was feeling a bit mean, then I'd stare them down in a air of complete immaturity ... admittedly not my best moment... Anyways... Still others seemed to get this awkward look. A look that bared probably  more of their souls then they imagined. In  their eyes I would see a look of confusion.

It was as if the soul itself was asking, "What am I suppose to do when faced with the reality of an imperfection?" I can just imagine their minds turning, decisions, decisions. Many of their eyes would glaze over in apathy and as they carried on in their busy lives, I'd smile sadly, swearing to myself to be more consciously servant minded. Others though were different. These strangers would take a deep breath, and with a flash of determination and legitimate concern would offer to carry my back pack, maybe open a door, or my favorite, they would slow their pace and just talk to me, acting like this was completely normal. Like I was completely normal...

While I don't like having my life thrown into a slower pace, the things I saw, and the lessons I learned from them have been good. Sometimes hard, but still good .I really enjoyed this aspect of my week on crutches.The observation of complete strangers, steadying themselves in the face of reality and responding with a helping hand. However, not all my lessons came from others actions... some were quite randomly from fairly abstract items. 

Example of a good random-er lesson is found in just simply watching the sunrise in the reflection of the big glass windows of the nursing building. Most mornings I scurry past the brick structure, glancing at the sunrise but then just moving on. But watching it as it reflected with the slight tilt of the windows and the super mirror like quality the building possessed, gave me a new perspective. How well do I reflect His Son- Rising in my heart each day? Effectively or ineffectively?  And note on the tilt, my attitude is going to be the controlling factor there - if its completely negatively slanted, little if any at all  of His loving power with be shown... 

I guess it may seem like a little thing but really the beauty of this week has been in the little things. Watching chipmunks race back and forth stuffing their cheeks full of some sort of food. Observing the birds as they sang and flew from branch to branch, tree to tree. Speculating on their reasoning, and wondering what it really looks like from a birds eye view...

The hard lessons have come with an abundant amount of time to cross examine myself. What makes me, me especially at this point in my life? Why am I so irritated at being injured? Why am I blushing/bothered by strangers? Shouldn't they not even matter? Am I really that insecure? and WHY am I that insecure? Why do some strangers  help stoke a distasteful fire of hurt pride in my soul?  and others a flame of friendship? And on a more personal note, moving away from my reactions to others: Where am needing growth? - or as my less that happy brain refuted in a tone of exasperation - Is there any where I don't need growth? 

So long version short, cause its getting late and I need to quit writing and sleep,-copious amounts of time to think have seriously strengthened my realization that I am not a good person... Its Crazy how in the midst of "life" I can forget to live. I forget to, by definition of living, grow. This weeks slowing down and forced examination has made me realize I need to get out of this rut. Another mountain. Another journey awaits.This valley I find myself in hasn't been all bad, but its time to keep moving forward.... so I'll carry on, one hobble at a time. 

Rooftop battle.

A Crushing, bone shattering, pressing weight descends. With panicked glances, I begin searching for a way out. A sudden and chilly silence of dread fills my soul.  It's back. That nagging haunting feeling, one that slices to the core and refuses to be ignored. I recoil deep within, only desiring to flee instead of fight.
Inadequate. Freak of nature.
"No! Not again!", my mind shrieks, as a mad dash ensues to fight back against the impeding darkness.
Accident. Damaged.
"I am more than that", I attempt to reason as I grope for light amidst the darkness
Diseased. Undesirable.
"Its Not about me" I block, not willing to give into this yet.
Broken. Shattered.
The arrows have found their mark. The chink in my armor, small yet so vulnerable.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, But words can also hurt me.
"Breathe, Just breathe" I repeat, trying to focus my thoughts on anything but this. The cold air seeps into my lungs, my feet numb against the tin roof and slowly it seems the sense of foreboding looses its grip.
Dysfunctional. Unlovable.
"Help me Father" I pray, as I lose ground again.I start humming.
Jesus loves me, this I know. 
How do you know? Can you trust this stuff that has been spoon fed to you? 
for the bible tells me so
Children's Stories? Really?
"No, there is more than just these paradoxical stories. I have more Personal Experiences." I rebuttal as I travel down memory lane.
Oh ? Going to memory lane are you? well Lets see here... 
I bristle, preparing for what is about to come up.
Abandoned. 
"Discovered"
Shamed. 
"Forgiven"
Rejected.
"Chosen"
Lost. 
"Found." I retaliate, finding my strength multiplying as I prepare to make a stronger comeback.
"Its all about the focus"
Its hard to focus in the shadow of distress
"Ah, sometimes yes, but you see its the shadow itself that helps outline the issue here."
?
"A shadow is an indicator of a greater light. Like I said, All depends on ones focus"
Light strikes back at the darkness. A final struggle ensues but the victory has already been won by someone long before me.
Slowly breathing becomes easier. I begin to see the moon and stars, once again able enjoy the beauty of my surroundings.
Another battle fought, Another battle won, but not fought, nor won alone.
"Thank you" I sigh, as exhaustion takes over, and I settle into a more relaxed mood.

Another day looms, more battles more fighting, but somehow with each victory, and sequential exhaustion, I find myself growing just a little more on the inside. While my growth is slower than a stalagmite, it's also progress. I know it will be done when the Author of my story finishes His writing and finally comes back and takes me home. Then, then a new story gets to begin. For now I just have to wade through the battles, learn the lessons and trust Him more.

Possession.

"No" I asserted quietly, "I think John-henry has a point. While you two may be able to recognize each other's voices, the real risk is in someone else mistaking a command from you."
I had just been listening absentmindedly to John-henry and Ryan debate about if it was okay for Ryan and his girlfriend to call out commands without the use of names at the obstacle course. John-henry  ran with my support, doubled his argument and we "won" this  little disagreement between friends.
"I don't think we have ever been introduced," I said in the aftermath, "my name is..."
"You're Bobby's female!' he interrupted with a look of triumph.
*Ahem*    "Yes," I slightly colored then added,  "my name is Katie."
His face slightly colored in response. I laughed at his slight discomfort, attempting to put him at ease.
"We hear a lot about you in Connections class, so thats where I know you from" He explained  glancing Bobby's direction.
"No worries" I smiled, " It's true enough I suppose, just hadn't thought of it that way before."

We parted our separate ways  but the title still remains - Bobby's female, Lol. Of all the titles of the world this is one I am particularly happy to carry. While my knee jerk reaction was to state my independence, "My name is Katie." The general warmth of the title  has only grown on me and made me smile more than once in remembrance.  It has also caused me to ponder other such titles of possession.
I am an American Citizen, so in some ways I belong to America.
I am a Seventh-day Adventist, and to some that would certainly imply possession.
(though it should be noted that while possession to some, has a negative connotation, these are titles I am proud and privileged to carry and I cite them in the most positive light.)
But the title of possession that I treasure most of all (Yes even more than being Bobby's female)  is the fact that I am HIS Child. His Daughter, His dearly beloved and it is this title that makes my entire being smile. The God of the Universe loves and cares about me. He  talks with me each day, gives me His holy word full of promises and lessons, and my personal favorite, He takes time just to spend with me and grow our relationship. He is my heavenly Father and I know that while other titles of possession may come and go, His love for me is steadfast and will never ever fail and it is by this knowledge that I can sing.

Love

You are love
It's a simple saying
Yet so often we're just playing

Perfect love
No one ever knows
Excepting the one path You chose

"No greater love
Than to give up ones life"
Greatest love is ultimate sacrifice

We know you live on
Inside our tempest torn hearts
When deep inside true love starts

"They will know
We are christians by our love"
It is not "ours", but from above.

Rocks and Socks

It was the last Tuesday before school started. I got the day off from work and to say that I was ready to do something epic would be an understatement. A friend invited me to go rock climbing - and I was super excited.

So we got out to the rock - a fairly hidden outcropping - known to those who are specifically looking for it; a super gorgeous setting. After he picked the wall we (well  more of he with me doing a mimicking act) proceeded to get all geared up. Harness, rope, carabiners, anchors, chalk and special shoes. all specifically designed to make this adventure safe and fun. It was a great afternoon and I really enjoyed getting to try a new sport and relax out in nature. Now then, while I could probably draw multiple lessons from many aspects of this sport and that afternoon itself the one that has stubbornly refused to leave my mind has been the shoes

These shoes are specially made to help one find these impossibly small grips with ones toes, the way they seem to accomplish this is by being incredibly small and very form fitting. Now then I don't own my  own pair of these special shoes, but amazingly enough my friend had an extra pair that just happened to be only 2 sizes too big. No problem! Simple solution being that Katie gets to wear multiple pairs of socks :) 2 pairs of normal ones and one pair of super fuzzy blue and white ones (think soft slipper like socks that one would wear as they lounge around their wood floored home). However, while I was the one who specifically choose these socks and brought them along, I was hoping that I could just wear the 2 normal ones but it was by wearing the super fuzzy ones gave that the just perfect amount of sockyness to make the shoes fit. (this is how I do Cinderella) No getting around it I needed to wear the blue, stripy, comfy yet very out of place, socks.

As I finally got around to getting both pairs of normal socks and then topping it off with my special ones, I started feeling a bit embarrassed.
"These look interesting" I mulled to myself as I strapped on the left shoe.
"So out of place, and super random" I noted as I tightened the other, *Sigh* "I'm just betting he thinks I'm an odd nut of sorts wearing these socks, my look at how they stand out, so contrasted with my skin and the general earthy tones of this place..."
 I continued fretting to myself, mainly really because of my nerves were stubbornly stuck being all high strung at the adventure taking place.
"These socks look ridiculous" I  finally ventured out loud, namely because I didn't want to relay signs of my nervousness and thus talking seemed like a good way to keep my mind off of such thoughts.
"No worries, no one is around anyways" He replied as he continued setting up the rope with belay hooks and such.
"You are" I responded dryly, more to myself than to him as I finished getting the right shoe on correctly
"Ah but, I have nothing but your best interest in mind" he responded with a quick smile as he finished the last touches on his task at hand.
I paused for half a second, mumbled a thanks and steeled myself to focus on things at hand, climbing.

Yet those words still linger.

"Your best interest in mind" Wow. not quite sure why that caught me so off guard - in a good way naturally, but still. As I have continued to mull over it quietly to myself this last week I think I do know why.

Now I will be the first to admit that I am not much of one to trust. Sure, I know how to do some trusting, for any relationship must have trust as a vital ingredient and I'm not a complete hermit, but deep down inside, if I'm being completely honest (as this late night and way to much thinking has somehow been the perfect ingredients to make me be so now.) I have a deeply in bedded fear that inside their own heads most people are laughing at me, never taking me seriously and are in general not genuine in what they say or do. - terrible yes, yet another story altogether - but anyways in this moment, I knew he wasn't lying, and I knew he was serious about having my best interest in mind and I knew I could trust him - well at least enough to not make fun of my choice of socks... (throughout the day this trust got tested and actually grew as I proceeded to to a fair amount of "sitting" on the line - trusting that he wouldn't let me plummet to my death as I tried to find a way to re attach myself to the rock - on a side note climbing is a super good trust exercise)

But there was a deeper lesson here. In the days that followed the words continued to reverberate in my mind. First, a recording of them as they were said by him, but later I began to hear my Father's voice filter in. I love my heavenly Father, and if there is Someone that I trust the most, its Him. But as He took these words and claimed them as His own to my heart - I realized something that I hadn't ever taken time to think of before. HE Has only my best interest in mind. In every circumstance. Somehow in my skewed human perspective (the same cynical and distrusting out look I had in relation to what other humans thought of me) I had jaded God in much the same way. Trusting Him, with my life, with the concept of Him always having a  plan and working everything out for good - and all the other cliche things we learn and say. Trusting Him with surface stuff and with words and even actions sure, but with my heart, with my raw emotions- no, sadly no - I didn't quite trust Him with those.. and it took a pair of socks (and an honest friend) to help me see that.

Sad really,  you known, that I took so long to see this, but its only by seeing that I can ever hope to work with Him to improve it. I have a long way to go- both in Trusting Him with my emotions and changing my personal perspectives (errr more of assumptions) on people and how I think they think of me...But it just is funny how He uses some of the oddest situations (socks and rocks - Really? ) to bring a point across and so Amazing is His love to be patient enough to work with me until I get the picture one tiny bit at a time.

You are.

Guarder of my heart
Lover of my soul
Steady as the needle to the pole.

Nearest helper,
Closest guide,
In Your shadow I safely Hide.

Lord of wonders,
Creator of all,
And yet You catch me when I fall.

Loving Father,
Dearest friend,
Ever with me beyond the end.

Conversation

"What do You want?!" I defensively shout in the caverns of my mind.
"Your problems" You dryly reply
"Well I don't want them" I roll my eyes with spite.
"Take them" I mumble as I limply hold then out.
"With pleasure" You respond as you reach your hand out.
But then just as Your fingers start to touch, mine go ridged as I grasp on to that which I so desperately want to let go. Anger, Pain, My plans, My way. I know I don't really want it...and yet...
Your hand waits patiently for mine to give. I cannot look You in the eye and yet with a defiant anger I grasp on to that which is not mine. It was never mine to start with, I am Yours.
I see Your other hand start to move - I instinctively cringe, waiting for the blow.
But no instead it gently moves, and wraps me in its strength and warmth that seems to glow.
Patiently You hold me close and wait. You Listen to me cry and in time I slowly release my grip.
This journey is far from done, and this battle is just the tip.
But day by day I have this hope
You will never leave me and will always help me cope.

Psalm

And there spread the clippings of my life - all out on display

Choices and effects thereof- I hung my head in quiet dismay

I had put So much in but it wasn't enough

Driven so far, yet not much better- running out of luck
I don't know the way Father, I feel very alone.

My heart is broken and I can cry to thee alone.

Daunting fears and nagging doubts assail me

But yet You promised that You would never leave

So be here now I beg, as I look at what remains

Take the pieces of my heart and be the only One who Reigns

I will choose to follow You - where Er you may Go

Just please don't forget Your everlasting love and simply allow me to follow.

Lesson learned?

So coming home from travels is exhausting enough - re entering a culture and readjusting to "this life" is interesting... its more interesting when one is sick - though not recommended.
One question though that I have gotten from sever people is "have you learned your lesson??"
Learned my lesson? Hmmm Well... here is what I have learned...
1. I love traveling
2. I love serving others especially those in need.
3. God is my rock (and He is the same here as He is anywhere else)
4. If God leads me to travel more and to Share him (through various ways) I will.
5. Getting is yes a risk - and not a fun experience, however if in life we never took risks we really would have much a life to start out with.

And so Yes - i have learned my lesson - Keep moving Forward - Follow His lead, and step out, even when I don't know where my next stepping stone is.


I like adventure. 
Marc Garneau 

The Cost

Are you ready to fight?
Are you prepared to fall?
Are you ready to dive in
And give it your all?

If not willing you be
Don't even begin
For anything without everything
Spells disaster in the end

Count the cost
Consider your Cross
Decide if your willing
To die serving those lost.

Sorry!

Sorry!! apparently the last few days I have gotten my blogs confused - so yeah sorry about the random daily posts - if you want to follow those you need to be looking at my other blog :)  ttfn :)

unstoppable grin

What is this?
curiosity to the brim
again I'm at the rim

Am I totally off?
maybe I have misread
and yet my hope is being fed

Why the questions?
why the blush?
why the sudden need to rush?

Cautioning voices shout and agree
Take this slow,
take your time go with the flow.

Another general thread appears
Trust, they say is the key.
Trust, First in God; and let you lead.

Let you lead?
Are they serious?
and yet my heart is  kinda curious.

What if I took a leap?
took the chance-
and tried this dance? .

Will I get hurt?
will you mislead?
and yet they say trust is the key


Trusting you
Trusting Him 
looking a future that appears anything but dim

An unstoppable grin spans my face
alittle trepidation still abounds,
but its pretty well buried under
these candy coated clouds...

Reflective

Wishing that you were here
To stand between me and all my fear

To be the leader of the band
So I could be your second hand

I know I could have looked up to you
We would have fought, but worked it through.

The fact is that you are gone,
But now it really won't be long.

Someday soon we will meet
At our Fathers feet.

Until then I'll do my best
No matter the aching in my chest

There is hope
This is how I cope.

Storms

The rain falls,
The thunder rolls,
And the Spirit calls.

Lighting flashes,
And the winds swirl within my mind
And deep inside, my heart clashes.

To do one thing,
Yet desire another
To rid me of the sin that clings

Yet, with no storm,
And with no rain,
Not one flower could form.

Without the fight
There would be no victory.
No wind on which to soar a kite.

And so I will stay,
I will not hide,
My principles, I will not let sway.

God is my rock,
And so I will trust Him,
No matter my lot.

Storms may blow,
But in my heart
I will always know,

He is there for me.

Principles

Whispers, and looks.
Opinions and rumors,
words not to be in books.

Judging and deciding,
Why so much
Nit-picking and fighting?

This is not how it was meant.
"Known by their Love"
Is the message He sent.

Love and Kindness
acceptance and harmony
These principles are Timeless.