Why?

A pent up frustration
A wondering question
Why?

Moving past the why of the circumstance but rather focusing on the why of reaction?

Forget the hand that struck the bell, why does the bell sing? And more so why does this bell sing out differently than another struck even with the same stroke?

I pace the garden, wondering over the response. It's not enough to simply recognize the what of the different reactions.No it has to be deeper. Why react this way?

A simple insect rests on a leaf. Hardly moves, barely breathes. A broken wing bears a visual testimony to his plight. Does he struggle? Does he feel entitled to life ? Is he bitter? Or just accepting?

Is there really any amount of entitlement to anything that anyone should feel? Is any living thing "deserving" of one path or another? Aren't we all just here for the moment? So why be angry? I'd rather focus on being whole. I will never be with out the scars, and there will never be an end to reminders and ridiculers of past brokenness - but there can be healing. I am not entitled to extra care or concern, nor to coddling or bitterness and anger. I'm not certain i am entitled to anything really... and IF anything I am simply entitled to breathe, to life, just as much as the next person. And it's what I choose to do with my life that makes all the difference - am I willing to let Him turn the brokenness and scars into something beautiful for His purpose and plan? (Note i cant make them beautiful on my own. ever.)

The concept of surrendering to heal.

A moment.

This morning I saw the most gorgeous moment ever. One of many I'd suppose. I desperately wanted to take a picture to try to hold a visual record of this event, however, I have promised myself not to take anymore pictures while driving. It is hazard to both health and life in general, and honestly wouldn't have done the moment justice. Atlas the only way I can share this glorious second with anyone is through mere wordage.

Behind me came the sun. Warm with pure light of red and orangish hue. It had just crested the ridge and was rapidly spilling on to the valley below.

As the light shot out in front of me it began vigorously beating at the slight mist that hung amidst the trees which tunneled this winding back road. The battle against the rays was futile, as the fog was already retreating rapidly it's slight buffer between the sun and the trees.

The trees mind you are just starting to turn. A varied spectrum of color reflected off their leaves as they received the light of day. The Yellow green and red leaves alike all shared a life like glow in the warming suns welcoming rays.

Then, there above the tree tops, straight ahead, and slightly to the left shone the full moon in a radiant shadow of passing glory. Her time was coming to an end. Still it was as if she seemed to pause to cast a greeting to the new dawn, along with a silvery goodbye and a promise to return again.

Just a moment, come and gone. Yet a hallowed awe remains for the One who orchestrated it's very being.

Climbing

Climbing. 

It’s pretty much a sport where you purposely set out to do the impossible. A sport where-in the individual, the climber, dares to defy gravity, to struggle, to bleed, all to conquer and overcome some unchanging aspect, a rock.

The rock will not change; it will not help you or bend in any way. It is what it is, and there isn't much you can do about it as you hang from nylon threads. Unchanging, stubborn, and stiff it stands in defiance of the wind and rain. Yet it speaks to the wild at heart and calls for someone to dare to overcome. It’s a challenge, a challenge that dares you, the climber, to take your life from ground level to something higher. 

You set out to conquer this challenge alone. Yes there are ropes and yes there is someone below who is ideally willing and ready to catch you, but when you are on that rock you are alone. It’s just you, cold hard stone, and un-supportive air. Each move is yours to make. The person below can give you all the data in the world, they can give you a tight belay, they can even shout up encouraging words, but at the end of the day it is just you and the uncompromising rock and invisible air. It is up to the climber alone to keep on their upward journey.

The final aspect of the climbing element is the air. It’s all around. Air- Ever present, constantly at your back, and yet easily forgotten. It is also completely useless in the struggle that comes with obtaining the prize. In fact at times it can be a hindrance! -smacking and distracting you when complete focus is essential. Hauntingly it reminds you of your vulnerability and yet offers no tangible support, it simply lurks waiting for you to fail with open, yet un-supporting arms... 

Climbing isn't easy, but neither is really living.

In life, circumstances are the rocks. Everyone has their own stony set. Circumstances cannot be changed, they simply are. The goal is to overcome and take life to the next level, to thrive. Some don't really live. Rather they are content to stay down, to simply breathe and flow through life but not to strive with it. They see their circumstances as excuses to not climb and so instead they live in the shadows and the valleys of a hollow life. Instead of fighting for the higher goal they waste their given time by filling the void with other trifling and useless things while their rocks stand and obscure their view of all their individual potential. 

There are friends who support, and people who yell out tidbits of advice and encouragement. But at the end of the day they really can't do much. They can help, but to actually survive, to have the desire to climb, is something that must come from within. While others can influence, at the end of the day to choose to even try to really live is yours alone.

In life there is one difference though. One advantage that gives me hope. Like the air He is unseen, yet ever present and easily forgotten. However, unlike the air He is supportive.

I can't see God, but the fact that I am still breathing gives me reason to believe that He is there. Ever present and at my back my Father waits. He waits for me to dare to try, to defy all and strive for life. He stands beside me as I struggle with my personal circumstances. At times He too reminds me of my vulnerability and my desperate ever present need for His assistance. However, He will not force His services. No, instead He patiently stands by with open and ready arms ready to be right there to give me just what I need to make it. 

Neither climbing nor living a life worth living is easy. But in the end both are satisfying to the soul. 

Rubble.

I stand in the center of my crumbled walls. Rubble and ashes are all that is left of my self protecting fortress. The walls have fallen but not from a siege or singularly outward battering. no. this was an internal destruction. I wanted to be open. I was tired of my walls. I wanted hope I wanted to love and be loved. So when he knocked. I started a process of opening. The walls, through time and effort on both sides, came down.  

But now I stand alone. Walls are down, rubble remains. Suddenly I realize, I'm vulnerable. Now comes the time for choices.

Its been merely a month and already others are around. showing interest. I don't know how to respond. I don't know if I really have any interest in them, or if i could in time have interest in them. logically its a possibility. but inside my interests are only on him. Are they bad people? no. not at all. good guys but yet, I just cant. Any and all advances on their part is met with a level of hostility and encouragement - a general recklessness that is common of one so conflicted.

Honestly the attention is flattering and feels good. It eases the pain of rejection (obviously.)  But flattery leads to faltering.  Faltering to falling, and falling to pain. Pain for me, pain for them, pain for him (?)  just in general pain. Not a risk I am willing to take at this point.

I cannot just start with someone else. its too soon. too fresh. I'm still enchanted by the last charming fellow, and still eagerly scanning the horizon hoping to see his familiar silhouette. It would a mockery to what we had and the thought of it just doesn't settle well at all.

I must wait. but how long do i wait? -and for what I might add ? For a man who may never return? For the man who helped me break down these walls but now is gone? Am i to wait for me to build up walls and separate my core from the outside again?  wait until i again am so separated by walls and masks? wait until _____ ?

I cannot wait forever for one who may never return. He left me nothing that indicates his return. On the contrary he seems to be trying to pretend that I don't exist. We are both hurting. But waiting forever is not an option. I am not willing to resign myself to living alone over one rejection. While I don't Need someone, I do want someone. Someday. 

I don't want separation. While the temptation is there to rebuild walls and double my previous defenses, its not what I want. To return to that state of defensiveness would also be a mockery of all the effort that was put forth by us. 

At the end of the day taking down those walls has led to pain, but it also led to joy. The joy is worth all the pain. I do not regret the destruction of these walls. My pendulum has swung. Starting from the stony walls and separation on to the side of fierce openness and far fetching starry eyed love. And now back again, but this time not as high. Not as impenetrable.

What I need is a fence. 

"I don't know why, it's so hard to swallow our pride!
And I don't know how many wrongs make a right.
I don't know the reason.
Sometimes it just feels so good to cry!
And I don't know which way the wind will blow.
But You're here with me.
And that's all I need to know!" -- Thousand foot Krutch