Rest for the weary?

"What's wrong with her?" 

A naive blonde whispers not so quietly to her companions as they pranced past me in their fancy stilettos, as I hobble to my way to vespers.

I automatically blush, and find the ground fascinatingly interesting to stare at, as I pull off the sidewalk to let them pass.Then I pursed my lips in irritation, yes, partially at this complete stranger for her less than tactful remark, but more potently at myself for letting her words bother me. 

To put it simply, its been a long week. Each day feeling like twice the length of its predecessor. I'd rather not be noticed in life, the role of a wall flower is one that I enjoy. But when ones arms are doing work that they legs were designed to do and every step is echoed with a tell tale metallic "click, clack" its kind of hard to escape the looks. Most are actually ones of pity or concern, those I at least attempted to smile in response too. Some just made a point not to look at me, I in general returned the favor. Well, Unless I was feeling a bit mean, then I'd stare them down in a air of complete immaturity ... admittedly not my best moment... Anyways... Still others seemed to get this awkward look. A look that bared probably  more of their souls then they imagined. In  their eyes I would see a look of confusion.

It was as if the soul itself was asking, "What am I suppose to do when faced with the reality of an imperfection?" I can just imagine their minds turning, decisions, decisions. Many of their eyes would glaze over in apathy and as they carried on in their busy lives, I'd smile sadly, swearing to myself to be more consciously servant minded. Others though were different. These strangers would take a deep breath, and with a flash of determination and legitimate concern would offer to carry my back pack, maybe open a door, or my favorite, they would slow their pace and just talk to me, acting like this was completely normal. Like I was completely normal...

While I don't like having my life thrown into a slower pace, the things I saw, and the lessons I learned from them have been good. Sometimes hard, but still good .I really enjoyed this aspect of my week on crutches.The observation of complete strangers, steadying themselves in the face of reality and responding with a helping hand. However, not all my lessons came from others actions... some were quite randomly from fairly abstract items. 

Example of a good random-er lesson is found in just simply watching the sunrise in the reflection of the big glass windows of the nursing building. Most mornings I scurry past the brick structure, glancing at the sunrise but then just moving on. But watching it as it reflected with the slight tilt of the windows and the super mirror like quality the building possessed, gave me a new perspective. How well do I reflect His Son- Rising in my heart each day? Effectively or ineffectively?  And note on the tilt, my attitude is going to be the controlling factor there - if its completely negatively slanted, little if any at all  of His loving power with be shown... 

I guess it may seem like a little thing but really the beauty of this week has been in the little things. Watching chipmunks race back and forth stuffing their cheeks full of some sort of food. Observing the birds as they sang and flew from branch to branch, tree to tree. Speculating on their reasoning, and wondering what it really looks like from a birds eye view...

The hard lessons have come with an abundant amount of time to cross examine myself. What makes me, me especially at this point in my life? Why am I so irritated at being injured? Why am I blushing/bothered by strangers? Shouldn't they not even matter? Am I really that insecure? and WHY am I that insecure? Why do some strangers  help stoke a distasteful fire of hurt pride in my soul?  and others a flame of friendship? And on a more personal note, moving away from my reactions to others: Where am needing growth? - or as my less that happy brain refuted in a tone of exasperation - Is there any where I don't need growth? 

So long version short, cause its getting late and I need to quit writing and sleep,-copious amounts of time to think have seriously strengthened my realization that I am not a good person... Its Crazy how in the midst of "life" I can forget to live. I forget to, by definition of living, grow. This weeks slowing down and forced examination has made me realize I need to get out of this rut. Another mountain. Another journey awaits.This valley I find myself in hasn't been all bad, but its time to keep moving forward.... so I'll carry on, one hobble at a time.