Rubble.

I stand in the center of my crumbled walls. Rubble and ashes are all that is left of my self protecting fortress. The walls have fallen but not from a siege or singularly outward battering. no. this was an internal destruction. I wanted to be open. I was tired of my walls. I wanted hope I wanted to love and be loved. So when he knocked. I started a process of opening. The walls, through time and effort on both sides, came down.  

But now I stand alone. Walls are down, rubble remains. Suddenly I realize, I'm vulnerable. Now comes the time for choices.

Its been merely a month and already others are around. showing interest. I don't know how to respond. I don't know if I really have any interest in them, or if i could in time have interest in them. logically its a possibility. but inside my interests are only on him. Are they bad people? no. not at all. good guys but yet, I just cant. Any and all advances on their part is met with a level of hostility and encouragement - a general recklessness that is common of one so conflicted.

Honestly the attention is flattering and feels good. It eases the pain of rejection (obviously.)  But flattery leads to faltering.  Faltering to falling, and falling to pain. Pain for me, pain for them, pain for him (?)  just in general pain. Not a risk I am willing to take at this point.

I cannot just start with someone else. its too soon. too fresh. I'm still enchanted by the last charming fellow, and still eagerly scanning the horizon hoping to see his familiar silhouette. It would a mockery to what we had and the thought of it just doesn't settle well at all.

I must wait. but how long do i wait? -and for what I might add ? For a man who may never return? For the man who helped me break down these walls but now is gone? Am i to wait for me to build up walls and separate my core from the outside again?  wait until i again am so separated by walls and masks? wait until _____ ?

I cannot wait forever for one who may never return. He left me nothing that indicates his return. On the contrary he seems to be trying to pretend that I don't exist. We are both hurting. But waiting forever is not an option. I am not willing to resign myself to living alone over one rejection. While I don't Need someone, I do want someone. Someday. 

I don't want separation. While the temptation is there to rebuild walls and double my previous defenses, its not what I want. To return to that state of defensiveness would also be a mockery of all the effort that was put forth by us. 

At the end of the day taking down those walls has led to pain, but it also led to joy. The joy is worth all the pain. I do not regret the destruction of these walls. My pendulum has swung. Starting from the stony walls and separation on to the side of fierce openness and far fetching starry eyed love. And now back again, but this time not as high. Not as impenetrable.

What I need is a fence. 

"I don't know why, it's so hard to swallow our pride!
And I don't know how many wrongs make a right.
I don't know the reason.
Sometimes it just feels so good to cry!
And I don't know which way the wind will blow.
But You're here with me.
And that's all I need to know!" -- Thousand foot Krutch